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"...in sickness and in health."

1/22/2015

 
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One day, when my husband was 75 days into his hospital stay, I walked out of his room to get food at the hospital cafeteria. When I was walking down the long hallway, I passed one of the Rehab nurses. She stopped, extended her arms and gave me a big hug. She reached down and grabbed my hand and said, “You have no idea how significant it is that you are here every day supporting your husband.  I just wanted to tell you that, and thank you for hanging in there during this very difficult time.” 

 I didn’t think much about it at the time, but came to appreciate what she said to me that day.  She relayed to me that families with spinal cord and traumatic brain injuries are at “high risk.” There is a higher risk for abandonment, and for relationships and marriages to crumble under pressure. Being a nurse in the Rehab Unit she witnessed many a family fall apart due to the incredible stress that is inherent with these kinds of injuries. For some, the magnitude and prospects of living life with an injured partner may be the precipitating factor. For others, it may be a struggle with image--wheelchairs and catheters, effort and inconvenience. There are even those cases where the dissolution of the relationship is initiated by the person who is injured, because that person doesn’t want to be a burden to their family.

The fact is we all have choices…both the able-bodied and the injured.  We can leave and unchain ourselves from all of the responsibilities that comes with a catastrophic injury, or we can stay and choose the path of endurance, effort, loyalty, and commitment.

For me, the choice was simple.  There was no pondering or hesitation. There were no regrets or second guessing. It wasn’t even a struggle. It was the quickest and easiest decision I’ve had to make over these past two years.

 Isn’t everyone ultimately in search of the same thing in life…to be happy?  Don’t we all strive to find that person who will love us unconditionally and accept us for who we are? Don’t we want someone who will make us smile and laugh and share in all of life’s greatest moments? For me, I found that person over 25 years ago.

Other than the fact that my husband's body doesn’t quite move the way it used to, he hasn’t changed as a person.  He is still the same, wonderful, loving, funny, and generous person as he was before. Everything I've ever wanted in a person is right in front of me. I have a partner who is here; someone who is not distracted, someone who is engaged 24/7.  He listens. He shares. He believes. He loves. He is.

Undoubtedly we have indeed experienced heartache and stress, that is and was to be expected. Yes, we have had many a crazy day. But even on our darkest days, my loyalty and commitment to Vaughn and our marriage is unwavering. Our experience has both strengthened and reinforced our relationship when it easily could have torn it apart.

And it is my wish always that for those that are faced with similar circumstances, that they find the strength and hope that they so desperately need and deserve, to move forward with peace and clarity.

                                      “Love recognizes no barriers.
                        It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls 
                                to arrive at its destination full of hope. "
                                                 ~Maya Angelou

Sandy Hernandez
1/22/2015 06:21:31 am

Again, you inspire. Vaughn is a lucky guy. Wait, he's not lucky, he is smart and intuitive. He knew it the day he asked you to marry him. Thanks for this...<3

Denise
1/22/2015 08:02:03 am

Thanks Sandy. As long as I feel lucky, and he feels lucky we will be together forever! I always appreciate your kind words! XXXOOO

Tom Virgl
1/22/2015 01:14:14 pm

Finally went on your blog... I wanted to again thank you for hospitality this last weekend. It was great to see you both and to see how Vaughn has progressed. I hope the trip to Maui starts to improve the function of his hands and arms which will help get him to the next level. Again thanks for the weekend!

Denise
1/23/2015 12:56:34 am

Hey Tom...great seeing you as well! Thanks for the long trip down from Seattle. We really enjoyed your company. Yes, hopefully by the time you see Vaughn next he will have made more gains with his arms!XXXOOO

Rebecca OMarrah
1/22/2015 03:15:24 pm

Denise,
I just saw this blog for the first time in my news feed. You are AMAZING and so inspiring. Thank you for contributing to others by creating this blog. I love and miss you!
Xo
Rebecca

Denise
1/23/2015 12:58:04 am

I miss you too! It's been too long. Glad you were able to take a peek at the blog which I started back in May. More than anything it's been so very therapeutic! Lets catch up!
XXXOOO

Carey
1/23/2015 04:55:35 am

Wait, no one at SF General's ER told me I had a choice??!!! Really? Seriously, I had an out??

Just teasing. Like you, there was no internal debate, it was Perry, my wife, my partner. She was going to need my help to regain her sense of independence, that quality I have always loved about her. When I chased Perry's ambulance across town from the Presidio where she tumbled from her bike, I knew we were headed for a New Normal. Nothing easy about it, but our love is stronger than ever. Life remains an uncertain adventure, just as it was when we met in '87 on those lovely Nepalese footpaths in the himals.

Denise, we know we're the lucky ones.Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

Denise
1/23/2015 10:39:43 am

Carey, I certainly identify with you because I know we are in the same boat. You have also been an inspiration for me seeing how you treat Perry and have committed yourself to your wonderful marriage. I did not realize you met in Nepal! That's fantastic, and I would like to hear more about that someday soon! XXXOOO

Arash B
1/24/2015 04:46:20 am

Denise, your post was incredible. Brought me to tears. Your commitment and love for Vaughn, the unwavering decision you made to stand by him from the beginning and your continued attention and support are admirable. Of all your blog posts, this one struck a really deep chord with me. Maybe it's because so much of what you said are qualities that I see in my own partner. Thank you for sharing. This was beautiful. -AB

Denise
1/24/2015 08:50:34 am

Arash, thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so glad you asked B. to marry you so that you can embark on a wonderful life together and share all the joys in life that await you. I hope everything is going well with your rehab in Maui! XXXOOO

Amy link
1/24/2015 05:11:03 am

You two are such an inspiration, Denise. What a blessing that you are sharing your journey and your outlook on it with the world. This is the stuff that changes lives. Keep it up. ...that and everything that Sandy ^ said :-)

Denise
1/24/2015 08:55:30 am

Thanks so much Amy. You are quite the inspiration yourself with your blog amywilliamslifecoach.com/blog/ I have to tell you, you are a wonderful writer and I've also learned from you and the posts you share on FB how to truly dig deep into myself and let out me. It's been incredibly therapeutic!

Dewanna
3/17/2015 12:43:01 pm

Beautiful!


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      I'm the proud mother of two wonderful children, and the loving wife & caregiver of my husband, who suffered a catastrophic spinal cord injury during an ocean accident 10 years ago. I want to share our story and the profound impact it's had on our lives. I hope you will find my entries/blogs interesting, thought-provoking, and perhaps helpful should tragedy or hard-times every strike. 


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