One of the certainties in life is that at some point someone close to us will have the misfortune of a long hospital stay. My husband spent a grand total of 111 days in the hospital, of which I was with him all but one day. Over the course of his stay, I came to appreciate some things that helped him as well as me navigate through this difficult chapter in our lives. I would like to pass on some tips that worked for us, and hopefully you will find this helpful for you and your loved ones as well.
There were so many other examples of kind gestures and good will. We are so incredibly blessed to be a part of such a wonderful and caring community. The biggest thing you can do for your friend and your friend's family during a devastating time in their life, is to be there in body and in spirit. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, not abandoned and neglected. It takes a village, and we are so proud that the village we are a part of, has accepted us with open arms.
- Keep a journal. The day after my husband's accident, I quickly realized that there was so much information that was being relayed that I needed to keep notes. I was so glad I did because that journal (I ended up writing 114 pages) was invaluable and is something I continually reference back to, whether it’s talking with his current physicians and therapists, or gathering information for insurance companies, etc. Important things to document are the names of the physicians and nurses who oversee the patient’s care, milestones, important facts, and all medications. If you aren't sure..ASK! I also documented my thoughts and sentiments, and it's been good to look back to see how far I've come both mentally and emotionally.
- Compliment! If a physician or nurse does a superb job, or does something extra special, be sure to let them know how much you appreciate it. The mileage you will get out of doing this small gesture will pay big dividends. I guarantee you, your loved-one will get treated extra special going forward. Four weeks after my husband's accident, I walked into his room on a Saturday morning at Santa Clara Valley Medical Center, and a nurse was washing his hair with water into a garbage bag that she hooked behind his head. This was the first time water touched his hair in 4 weeks. Up until this time, they were putting dry shampoo into his hair. If you know anything about dry shampoo, it doesn't really get your hair clean and is no substitute for water. The nurse didn't have to do this, and this wasn't protocol, but she cared enough to get the sand out of his hair that had been in there since his accident in Maui. We both got teary when I thanked her. She showed so much compassion, but she expressed that she rarely got complimented for the special things she did for patients. For the next 6 weeks, while Vaughn was on her unit, she protected him and went out of her way to ensure he had the best care.
- Conversely, be vigilant. If ever you feel your loved-one isn't getting the proper care, or is threatened at any point, speak to someone in charge. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but sometimes informing a charge nurse can easily rectify the situation. Fortunately this only happened twice with Vaughn during his hospital stay, and the situation was solved in a civil manner. Someone has to be the eyes and ears for their loved ones; an advocate for the patient, especially when the patient is incapacitated and can't speak for themselves..
- Bring photos from home and set them up around the room. Your loved-one longs to be home and photos can go a long way. My friend Kami sent a collage of some great pictures from some family vacations we took together. We taped it to the wall along with our family pictures. If your friend is in the hospital, sending pictures is a great, inexpensive, and wonderful way to express your well-wishes. A picture video frame with loaded pictures is also a great idea and can give the patients something to look at, and get their mind off of their situation.
- Send cards. So many great friends and family members were so thoughtful to send cards. Vaughn looked forward to me reading the cards that he received each day. Every card we got we put up onto the window sill for him to look at. In this day and age of electronics, a hand-written note is something that isn't done enough, and can be invaluable to a sick or injured patient. It is something that can be treasured forever.
- Send your well wishes without an expectation for a reply. I always appreciated when someone would text/email/send card with a message that said something like, “No need to reply, but just wanted to let you know that we were thinking of you, and if there is anything you need please let us know.” All messages were very much appreciated, and the outpouring of love was overwhelming. We understood that everyone wanted to know how Vaughn was doing. If you are the loved-one in this situation, pick a close friend to relay updates to and then let that person send a group message to all inquiries. It really frees up some valuable time and takes a little stress off of the family member if you keep the questions that require a response to a minimum. I tried to respond to everyone,so if I didn't get back to you, please know it wasn't intentional.
- Get some sleep and make sure to exercise. If your family member is in the hospital, and you are bed-side most of the day, make sure you take care of yourself. Take a walk, get fresh air, and make sure to get some sleep. I had nurses encouraging me to do this all of the time, and I probably didn't do it enough. You can't be any good to the patient if you aren't good to yourself.
- If you are visiting a friend in the hospital, try to keep the visits brief unless the patient asks for you to stay longer. Vaughn slept a lot, and he never wanted to be rude, but I know some days he needed that extra sleep. These patients have been through a lot, and they are exhausted. Also, it's better to bring balloons than flowers, at least if you are on a spinal cord unit. Because so many people are on ventilators, they won't allow flowers in the room, for they fear that the seeds from the flowers may dangerously get into the ventilator hoses.
- Start a meal campaign for the family and the patient upon return from the hospital. Lord knows no one has the time or energy to cook and a month's worth of dinners and people signed up to pick up my daughter from school was the greatest gift my community gave to me and my family. My dear friend Kim coordinated the "Lotsa Helping Hands" website that is designed to help family members in need. We were so grateful for all that she did in setting this up. I also had some sweet friends send me gift cards for restaurants, which also was a blessing as it allowed us one less meal to think of, and gave us the opportunity to get out of the house. I even had a family (thanks Mike & Christine) send some gas cards, which was so appreciated because I was driving back and forth to San Jose at a time when the prices of gas were at its highest.
- So many people want to help out, but they aren't sure how. I always got asked, “What can I do to help out?” Most of the time I said, “Thank you, I'm good." because I always felt that the things I needed would be hard to ask for. The best thing you can do for your friend-in-need is to take over a task that you know would lighten the load. Don't ask or if you do, don't involve the friend with more questions and details, because then it may overwhelm the person you are trying to help. For example: surprise your friend; it will have enormous impact . Two weeks after Vaughn's accident I finally came back to the house. When I walked through the door I was pleasantly surprised... My friend's Caren and Karen cleaned my entire house, folded my children's laundry, and scattered the house with fresh flowers. I had no idea they did this and if they would have asked, I would have said, "Thanks, I'm good." You can't imagine how this made me feel during a time when I wasn't walking through that door with Vaughn. It was so incredibly generous and special. Thank you so much friends!
- Another example...I wrote on Facebook that I had gophers and that they were back with a vengeance. Critter tasks had always been Vaughn's project. I asked my fellow FBers what I was supposed to do. My friend Mike didn't say anything. He just came over, didn't bother me, didn't ask for any thing, brought his gopher box of goodies, and just dealt with those critters all on his own. It was one less thing for me to think of, and the style in which he did it was full of class. Thanks Mike!
There were so many other examples of kind gestures and good will. We are so incredibly blessed to be a part of such a wonderful and caring community. The biggest thing you can do for your friend and your friend's family during a devastating time in their life, is to be there in body and in spirit. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, not abandoned and neglected. It takes a village, and we are so proud that the village we are a part of, has accepted us with open arms.
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